Best seller! From successful parents, learn how to train up your children rather than discipline them up. With humor and real-life examples this book shows you how to train your children before the need to discipline arises. Be done with corrective discipline; make them allies rather than adversaries. The stress will be gone and your obedient children will praise you and bring joy and peace into your home. Thousands have testified to the amazing results of these profoundly simple techniques.
CHAPTER 1
To Train Up a Child
SWITCH YOUR KIDS
When you tell some parents they need to switch their children,
they respond, “I would if I could find someone willing to trade.” I have
had children in my house that were enough to give an electric wheat
grinder a nervous breakdown. Their parents looked like escapees from
a WWII Polish boxcar. Another hour with those kids and I would have
been searching the yellow pages for discount vasectomies. While we
tried to sit and talk, the children were constantly running in and out of
doors, complaining of ill treatment from the others, begging to go or
stay or eat, or demanding a toy that another child would not relinquish.
The mother had to continually jump up and rescue some breakable
object. She said, “No,” six hundred sixty-six times in the space of two
hours. She spanked each child two or three times—usually with her
hand on top of a diaper. Other than misaligning the child’s spine, it
seemed to have had no effect.
When we speak of consistently rewarding every transgression
with a switching (not a karate chop to the lower backbone), some mothers
can only see themselves further brutalizing children for whom it will
do no good. Their discipline is just “laying down a field of fire” to give
themselves sufficient cover to get through to the next task. They have
no hope of conquering the child’s will. They just desire to create enough
diversion to accomplish their own mission.
Another mother walked into my house with her little ones and
sat down to talk. She said to them, “Go out in the sunroom and play, and
don’t bother Mama unless you need something.” For the next two hours
we were not even aware the children were present—except when a little
one came in holding herself saying, “Pee-pee, Mama.” They played
together well, resolved their own conflicts, and didn’t expect attention
when one of the girls turned the rocking horse over and got a knot on
her head. They didn’t run in and out—they were told not to.
This mother did not spank her children while at my house, and
she did not need to rebuke them. She looked rested. When she called the
children to go home, one asked, “Mama, can I stay and play with
Shoshanna?” Mother answered, “No, not today. We have work to do at
home.” As he lifted his arms, his mother picked him up. Hugging his
mother’s neck, he said, “I love you, Mama.”
This young mother said to me, “My children want to please me.
They try so hard to do everything I say. We have such fun together.” She
is looking forward to having more children. They are the joy of her life.
By the grace of God and through the simple, Biblical principles
found in these pages, with determination and an open heart, this mother
has trained up children that bring her joy and honor.
OBEDIENCE TRAINING
Training does not necessarily require that the trainee be capable
of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli.
Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog
can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the obstacles of a city
street, shouldn’t a parent expect more out of an intelligent child? A dog
can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a
child be trained not to touch? A dog can be trained to come, stay, sit, be
quiet, or fetch upon command. You may not have trained your dog that
well, yet every day someone accomplishes it on the dumbest of mutts.
Even a clumsy teenager can be trained to be an effective trainer in a dog
obedience school.
If you wait until your dog is displaying unacceptable behavior
before you rebuke (or kick) him, you will have a foot-shy mutt that is
always sulking around to see what he can get away with before being
screamed at. Where there is an absence of training, you can no more
rebuke and whip a child into acceptable behavior than you can the family
dog. No amount of discipline can make up for a lack of training.
Proper training always works with every child. To neglect
training is to create miserable circumstances for you and your child. Out
of ignorance many have bypassed training and expected discipline
alone to effect proper behavior. It hasn’t worked.
“TENNN—HUTT!!”
When headstrong young men join the military, the first thing
they are taught is to stand still. The many hours of close-order-drill are
to teach and reinforce submission of the will. “Attention!” pronounced,
Page 2 To Train Up A Child
“TENNN—HUTT!!” is the beginning of all maneuvers. Just think of
the relief that it would bring if by one command you could gain the
absolute, concentrated attention of all your children. A sergeant can call
his men to attention and then ignore them, without explanation, and they
will continue to stand frozen in that position until they fall out unconscious.
The maneuvers “Right flank, Left flank, Companeeey—Halt”
have no value in war except that they condition the men to instant,
unquestioning obedience.
As in the military, all maneuvers in the home begin with a call
to attention. Three-fourths of all home discipline problems would be
solved if you could instantly gain your child’s silence and unmoving
attention. “TO THE REAR—MARCH” translated into family language
would be: “Leave the room,” or, “Go to bed.” Without question they
would turn and go. This is normal in the well-trained family.
“WHOA, HORSE”
We live in a horse and buggy community where someone is
always training a new horse. When you get into a buggy to go down a
narrow, winding, state highway filled with eighteen-wheelers and logging
trucks, you must have a totally submissive horse. You cannot
depend on whipping him into submission. One mistake and the young
men will again be making several new pine boxes and digging six-foot
deep holes in the orchard.
A horse is first trained to stand still and submit to being caught
and handled. He must not fear the bridle or harness. He must stand still
while thirteen children step in front of the iron wheels to climb into the
buggy. When stopped at the end of a driveway, waiting for the traffic to
clear, he must not exercise his will to step out in front of eighty thousand
pounds of speeding truck.
Horse training involves preparing the horse to respond correctly
in all future situations to which he will be exposed. This training is
done in a controlled environment where circumstances are created to
test and condition the horse’s responses. This is done by taking him
through various paces. To train him to stop, as you hold the bridle and
lead the horse, you say, “Whoa,” and then stop. Since you have a tight
hold on the bridle, he must stop. After just a few times, the horse will
stop at just your command.
The trainer establishes the tone of voice at which the horse is
to respond. If you speak in a normal tone the horse will obey. If you
To Train Up A Child Page 3
scream “Whoa!!” then in the future the horse will not stop unless the
command is screamed the same way. One such farmer trained his horses
with a wild, frantic bellow. Most of his neighbors, who speak quietly
to their horses, find it difficult to control his horses because of their
inability to raise their voices in vehemence.
SPEAK TO ME ONLY
I was logging with a fifteen-hundred-pound mule that sometimes
wanted to run away with the log. In moments of stress (actually I
was panic stricken), I found myself frantically YELLING commands.
The owner would patiently caution me, “Speak quietly and calmly or he
will pay no attention.” I never did learn the art of calmly saying,
“Whoa” to a runaway mule pulling a twenty-five foot, white oak log
with my foot hung in the trace chain. The point to remember is that animals
learn to identify not only the sound but also the tone.
If you raise your voice when giving a command to your child,
he will learn to associate your tone and sound level with your intention.
If you have trained him to respond to a bellow, don’t blame him if he
ignores your first thirteen “suggestions” while waiting for your fevered
pitch to reach the point where he interprets it to be a real command.
TRAINING, NOT DISCIPLINE
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old,
he will not depart from it (Prov. 22:6).” Train up—not beat up. Train
up—not discipline up. Train up—not educate up. Train up—not “positive
affirmation” up. Training is the most often missed element in child
rearing. A child needs more than “obedience training,” but without it
discipline is insufficient.
Parents should not wait until their child’s behavior becomes
unacceptable before they commence training—which would be discipline.
Training is not discipline. Discipline is a part of training but is
insufficient in itself to effect proper behavior. Training is the conditioning
of the child’s mind before the crisis arises. It is preparation for
future, instant, unquestioning obedience. An athlete trains before he
competes. Animals, including wild ones, are conditioned to respond to
the trainer’s voice command.
The frustration parents experience results from their failure to
train. Their problem is not “bad” children, just bad training. The “strong
willed,” the hyperactive, the highly intelligent, and the easily bored all
need training, and training is effective on all.
Page 4 To Train Up A Child
Understand, at this point we are not talking about producing
godly children, just happy and obedient children. The principles for
training young children to instantly obey can be applied by non-
Christians as well as Christians. As children get older, the character and
teaching of the trainer plays a more significant role.
TRAINING NOT TO TOUCH
There is a lot of satisfaction to be gained in training up a child.
It is easy, yet challenging. When my children were able to crawl (in the
case of one, roll) around the room, I set up training sessions.
Try it yourself. Place an appealing object where they can reach
it, maybe in a “No-No” corner or on the apple juice table (another name
for the coffee table). When they spy it and make a dive for it, in a calm
voice say, “No, don’t touch that.” Since they are already familiar with
the word “No,” they will pause, look at you in wonder and then turn
around and grab it. Switch their hand once and simultaneously say,
“No.” Remember, you are not disciplining, you are training. One spat
with a little switch is enough. They will again pull back their hand and
consider the relationship between the object, their desire, the command,
and the little reinforcing pain. It may take several times, but if you are
consistent, they will learn to consistently obey, even in your absence.
PLANT YOUR TREE IN THE MIDST OF THE GARDEN
When God wanted to “train” his first two children not to touch,
He did not place the forbidden object out of their reach. Instead, He
placed the “tree of knowledge of good and evil” in the “midst of the
garden (Gen.3:3).” Since it was in the middle of the garden, they
would be exposed to its temptation more often. God’s purpose was not
to save the tree, but rather, to train the couple.
Note the name of the tree was not just “knowledge of evil,” but,
“knowledge of good and evil.” By exercising their wills not to eat, they
would have learned the meaning of “good” as well as “evil.” Eating the
tree was not the only way in which they could come to knowledge of
good and evil, but it was a forbidden shortcut.
By placing a forbidden object within reach of the children, and
then enforcing your command to not touch it, every time the children
pass the ‘No-No’ object (their “tree of knowledge of good and evil”),
they are gaining knowledge of good and evil from the standpoint of an
overcomer. As with Adam and Eve in the garden, the object and the
touching of it is, in itself, of no consequence; but the attachment of a
To Train Up A Child Page 5
command to it makes it a moral “factory” where character is produced.
By your enforcement, your children are learning about moral government,
duty, responsibility, and, in the event of failure, accountability,
rewards, and punishment. In the here and now, they are also learning not
to touch, which makes a child’s social life a lot more pleasant.
It just takes a few minutes to train a child not to touch a given
object. Most children can be brought into complete and joyous subjection
in just three days. Thereafter, if you continue to be faithful, the
children will remain happy and obedient. By obedient, I mean you will
never need to tell them twice. If you expect to receive instant obedience,
and you train them to that end, you will be successful. It will take extra
time to train, but once the children are in general subjection, the time
saved will be extraordinary. Some people say, “Child-proof your
home.” I say, “Home-proof your child.”
TOUCHY SITUATIONS
Have you ever been the victim of tiny, inquisitive hands? A
very young child, not yet walking, is keen on wanting to grab any object
of interest. There is no fault in this, but sometimes it can be annoying.
When you are holding a baby and he keeps pulling off your glasses, you
cannot explain to him the impropriety of such socially crude behavior.
The little tot is not yet moved by fear of rejection. So, do you try to
restrain him where he can’t get to your face? No, you train him not to
touch. Once you train an infant to respond to the command “No,” then
you will have control in every area where you can give a command.
Set up training situations. For example, using your glasses as
bait, place the child where he can easily reach them. Look him squarely
in the eye. When he reaches out to grab them, don’t pull back; don’t
defend yourself. Calmly say, “No.” If anything, lower your voice; don’t
raise it. Don’t sound more serious than usual. Remember you are establishing
a vocal pattern to be used the rest of his youth. If he reaches out
to touch your glasses, again say, “No,” and accompany your command
with minor pain. He will pull his hand back and try to comprehend the
association of grabbing the glasses with the pain. (I usually just
thumped their little hand with my index finger. I have never known a
child to cry from this. They don’t even know that I did it. They think
that it was the glasses, or perhaps the “No” itself that caused their pain.)
Inevitably, he will return to the bait to test his new theory. Sure enough,
the glasses again cause pain and the pain is accompanied with a quiet,
little “No.” It may take one or two more tries for him to give up his
Page 6 To Train Up A Child
career as glasses snatcher, but he will.
Through this process, the child will associate the pain with the
word “No.” There comes a time when your word alone is sufficient to
gain obedience.
Through this kind of early training you can stop him from
assaulting his mother with a bottle held by the nipple. The same holds
true for hair and beard pulling. You name it; the infant can be trained to
obey. Do you want to wrestle with him through his entire youth, nagging
him into compliance, threatening, placing things out of reach, fearing
what he might get into next? Wouldn’t it be better to take a little
time to train him? If nothing else, training will result in saving you time.
I know a mother who must call a baby-sitter every time she
takes a shower. You should be able to take a nap and expect to find the
house in order when you awake.
OBEDIENCE TRAINING—BITING BABIES
One particularly painful experience of nursing mothers is the
biting baby. My wife did not waste time finding a cure. When the baby
bit, she pulled hair (an alternative has to be sought for bald-headed
babies). Understand, the baby is not being punished, just conditioned. A
baby learns not to stick his finger in his eyes or bite his tongue through
the negative associations accompanying it. It requires no understanding
or reasoning. Somewhere in the brain, that information is unconsciously
stored. After biting two or three times, and experiencing pain in association
with each bite, the child programs that information away for his
own comfort. The biting habit is cured before it starts. This is not discipline.
It is obedience training.
OBEDIENCE TRAINING—BOWLS AND BABIES
The mother clumsily holds her cereal bowl at arm’s length as
she wrestles her infant for supremacy. When she places the bowl out of
the baby’s reach, he is taught that it is off limits only if it is out of reach.
To train him, place the bowl within easy reach. When he reaches for it,
say, “No,” and thump his hand. He will pull his hand back, momentarily
look alarmed, and then reach again. Repeat the action of saying, “No”
in a calm voice, and thump his hand. After several times, you will be
able to eat in peace.
After several occasions of responding to a thump and the word
“No,” the voice command alone soon becomes sufficient to direct the
To Train Up A Child Page 7
child’s behavior. Again, keep in mind, the baby is not being punished,
just conditioned. The thump is not a substitute rod. It is reinforcement
to obedience training.
COME WHEN I CALL YOU
One father tells of his training sessions with each new toddler.
He sets aside an evening for “booty” camp, which is a boot camp for
toddlers. The child of ten to twelve months is left alone to become
deeply interested in a toy or some delightful object. From across the
room or just inside another room, the father calls the child. If the child
ignores the call, the father goes to him and explains the necessity of
immediately coming when called, and then leads him through the steps
of obedience by walking him over to the place from which he was
called.
He is returned to the toy and left alone long enough to again
become engrossed. The father calls again. If the child ignores the call,
the father gives additional explanation and a repeat of the practiced
walk. The parent, having assured himself that the child understands
what is expected of him, goes back to call again. This time if the child
does not respond immediately, the father administers one or two swats
with a switch and then continues the exercise until the child readily
responds to his summons. Thereafter, until the child leaves home, the
parent can expect the child to drop everything and come when called.
As long as parents remain consistent, the child will consistently obey.
This “obedience training” is conducted with quiet patience. The spanking
is not punishment. It is to give weight to your words.
NEVER TOO YOUNG TO TRAIN
A newborn soon needs training. Parents that put off training
until their child is old enough to discuss issues or receive explanations
will find he has become a terror long before he understands the meaning
of the word.
As a mother attempts to lower her child into the crib, he stiffens,
takes a deep breath, and bellows. The battle for control has begun
in earnest. Someone is going to be conditioned. Either the tenderhearted
mother will cave in to the child’s self-centered demands (training the
child to get his way by crying) or he will be allowed to cry (thus learning
that crying is counterproductive). Crying because of genuine physical
need is the infant’s only voice to the outside world, but crying in
order to manipulate others into constant servitude should never be
Page 8 To Train Up A Child
rewarded. Otherwise, you will reinforce the child’s growing self-centeredness,
which will eventually become socially intolerable.
STEPS TO OBEDIENCE
One of our girls, who developed mobility early, had a fascination
with crawling up stairs. At five months she was too unknowing to
be punished for disobedience. But for her own good we attempted to
train her not to climb the stairs by coordinating the voice command of
“No” with little spats on her bare legs. The switch was a twelve-inch
long, one-eighth-inch diameter sprig from a willow tree.
Such was her fascination with climbing, that she continued to
climb, ignoring the spankings. Spanking is supposed to work, but it
seemed that at her young age her little brain couldn’t maintain the association.
So I laid the switch on the bottom step. We later observed her
crawl to the stairs and start the ascent, only to halt at the first step and
stare at the switch. She backed off and never again attempted to climb
the stairs, even after the switch was removed.
EXCESSIVE DISCIPLINE
Disciplinary actions can become excessive and oppressive if
you set aside the tool of training and depend on discipline alone to do
the training. I observed a proud, stern father, ruling his children with a
firm hand, and making sure everyone knew it. His rod was swift to fall,
especially in the presence of company. His children trembled in his
presence, fearing to incur his displeasure. I wondered why, if he was so
firm and faithful to gain obedience, he had not achieved it before entering
the public arena. I was impressed, but not in the way he hoped.
Except where the very smallest children are concerned, training
at home almost entirely eliminates the need for public discipline.
Yet, should the need arise in public, be discreet with your discipline and
then go home and train so that you will not be placed in that difficult situation
again.
TRAINING THE ORNERY AMISH BOY
As I sat talking with a local Amish fellow, a typical child training
session developed. The twelve-month-old boy, sitting on his father’s
lap, suddenly developed a compulsion to slide to the floor. Due to the
cold floor, the father directed the child to stay in his lap. The child stiffened
and threw his arms up to lessen the father’s grip and facilitate his
slide to the floor. The father spoke to him in the German language
To Train Up A Child Page 9
(which I did not understand) and firmly placed him back in the sitting
position. The child made dissenting noises and continued his attempt to
dismount his father’s lap. The father then spanked the child and spoke
what I assumed to be reproving words. Seeing his mother across the
room, the child began to cry and reach for her. This was understandable
in any language. It was obvious that the child felt there would be more
liberty with his mother.
At this point, I became highly interested in the proceedings.
The child was attempting to go around the chain of command. Most
fathers would have been glad to pass the troublesome child to his mother.
If the child had been permitted to initiate the transfer, he would have
been the one doing the training, not the parents. Mothers often run to
their children in this situation, because they crave the gratification of
being needed. But this mother was more concerned for her child’s training
than for her own sentiment. She appeared not to hear the child’s
plea.
The father then turned the child to face away from his mother.
The determined fellow immediately understood that the battle lines had
been drawn. He expressed his will to dominate by throwing his leg back
over to the other side to face his mother. The father spanked the leg the
child turned toward his mother and again spoke to him.
Now the battle was in full array. Someone was going to submit
his will to the other. Either the father would confirm that this one-yearold
could rule his parents, or the parents would confirm their authority.
Everyone’s happiness was at stake—as well as the soul of the child. The
father was wise enough to know this was a test of authority. This
episode had crossed over from “obedience training” to “discipline for
attitude.”
During the following forty-five minutes, the child shifted his
legs fifteen times, and received a spanking each time. The father was as
calm as a lazy porch swing on a Sunday afternoon. There was no hastiness
or anger in his response. He did not take the disobedience personally.
He had trained many horses and mules and knew the value of
patient perseverance. In the end, the twelve-month-old submitted his
will to his father, sat as he was placed, and became content—even
cheerful.
Some will say, “But I couldn’t take it emotionally.” Sometimes
it is difficult and trying to set aside your feelings for the sake of child
training. It does involve emotional sacrifice. Yet, what is love but giv-
Page 10 To Train Up A Child
ing? When we know it will work to the temporal and eternal good of the
child, it is a joy instead of a sacrifice.
If you know yourself to be angry or impatient, you may be carrying
guilt that prevents you from being aggressive in disciplining your
child. You may fear that your discipline is an act of your ego to dominate.
You must deal with your own impurities for the sake of the child,
for if he doesn’t receive consistent and forceful training, he will greatly
suffer.
BE ASSURED OF TWO THINGS
First, almost every small child will have at least one time in his
young life when he will rebel against authority and take hold of the
reins. This stubbornness is profound—amazing—a wonder that one so
young could be so dedicated and persevering in rebellion. It is the kind
of determination you would expect to find in a hardened revolutionary
facing enemy indoctrination classes. Parents that are trained to expect
it, and are prepared to persevere, will nonetheless stand in awe at the
strength of the small child’s will.
Second, if you are consistent in training, this attempt at total
dominance will come only once in a child’s life. If you win the confrontation,
the child wins at the game of character development. If you
weaken and allow the child to dominate, the child loses everything but
his will to dominate. You must persevere for the sake of the child.
The cat that is prevented from coming into the house most of
the time, but occasionally breaks through the barrier, will take the occasional
success as impetus to always try to get in. However, if he is consistently
kept out (100% of the time), he will lose the will to come in,
even when the door is left open. You may kick him, slam the door on
his tail, and throw him sixty feet, but if you occasionally allow him to
stay in long enough to eat scraps off the floor or sleep on the couch, he
will forever take the risk of running the gauntlet to get in. Your abuse
may make him sufficiently wary to obey while you remain on guard, but
he will still bolt through the door when he sees the opportunity.
On the other hand, dogs can be trained either to come in or stay
out on command. The key again is consistency. If the dog learns through
conditioning (consistent behavior on the part of the trainer) that he will
never be allowed to violate his master’s command, he will always obey.
If parents carefully and consistently train up their children, their performance
will be superior to that of a well-trained, seeing-eye dog.
To Train Up A Child Page 11
NEGATIVE TRAINING
How many times have you observed children in the grocery
store arena? Adevious little kid sits up in the command seat of the shopping
cart exercising his “childhood rights” to unlimited self-indulgence.
The parent, fearfully but hopelessly, steers around the tempting “trees of
knowledge of good and evil.” Too late! The child spies the object of his
unbridled lust. The battle is on. The child will either get what he wants
or make his parent miserable. Either way, he conquers.
PURCHASED COMPLIANCE
One father proudly told of how he fearlessly overcame by
promising the child ice cream if he would only wait until they left the
store. Such compromises will only affirm the child in his commitment
to terrorist tactics. You are not gaining control of the child; he is gaining
control of you. All children are trained, some carelessly or negligently,
and some, with varied degrees of forethought. All parental
responses are conditioning the child’s behavior, and are, therefore,
training.
Parents who purchase compliance through promise of reward
are turning their child into a racketeer, paid for protection. The child
becomes the Mafia or union boss, and you take the role of intimidated
businessman. If you are bargaining with a terrorist for one more day’s
reprieve from anguish, may you then strike a favorable deal, but if you
are training up a child, you need to reconsider your methods. Allowing
yourself to be intimidated into compromise will turn your child into a
psychological bully.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
I observed a father tell his small boy not to touch a particular
object. Having been trained to ignore mild commands, the child picked
it up anyway. With irritation in his voice, the father demanded, “Give it
to me.” The child pretended not to hear. With anger, “Did you hear me?
(Of course he did.) Hand it to Daddy.” With mounting anger,
“Johnnnieee, give it to Daddy, NOW!!” Finally, another decibel higher—
hasty—angry—threatening, “JOHNNY!! Am I going to have to
SPANK YOU?” By this time the father was aware of his embarrassing
tone. He calmed his voice, and in an attempt to bring it to a conclusion,
he leaned way out and extended his hand, making it easier for Johnny
to comply. Because of his father’s angry voice and burning eyes, Johnny
assumed the temporary posture of, “Oh well, there will be another day.”
Page 12 To Train Up A Child
But, instead of handing the object to the humbled, groping father, he
held it in his general direction but down close to his body, forcing the
father to advance even farther to retrieve it. The father, looking like a
poor peasant receiving alms from some condescending royalty, submitted
to the child’s humiliation and reached to retrieve the object. And
then, in a display of weakness, the father placed it out of the child’s
reach.
What did Johnny learn from this episode? He had his conviction
reinforced that it is never necessary to obey a command the first,
second, third, or even fourth time. No one expects him to. He has
learned that it is permissible to grab anything within reach and to continue
possessing it until the heat gets too great. He has learned not to
respect authority, just strength (the day will come when he will be the
stronger one). By the father’s example, he has learned how to use anger.
By the father’s advance to take the object from his hand, he has learned
how to “get in the last shot” and maintain his defiance. That father was
effectively training his small child to be a rebel.
What has the father learned? He has learned that little Johnny
is just a “strong-willed” child; that children go through unpleasant
stages; that it is sometimes a very miserable and embarrassing thing to
be a parent; that one has to watch a kid every minute and put things out
of his reach; that the only things kids understand are force and anger. All
of which are false. The father is reaping the harvest of his failure to
train.
This chapter was posted by permission of the writer and is completely legal within the copyright.
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