I love this rainy weather; it fills up my hollow bones just right. I love this rainy weather; the dripping sings me to sleep when I can't sleep at night. I love this rainy weather; it fills up my hollow bones just right. I love this rainy weather; I wish I could cry the way I see God cry...
CHRIST! the last time I saw you cry was Tuesday of last week, and I wasn't sure why, but the skies just kind of opened up and I sat there beneath it in a puddle of mud next to the memory of my favorite swing set, as a kid, and wondered if it was my fault that you were sad that day... and I wondered what I did. Jesus, the last time I saw you cry was in a dream I had late last night, and I held you tight against my bosom, and you wept until I was drenched and I said, "I'm so sorry, God! I'll never do that again!"
But the other day I met a girl who talked about love like she actually believed it was real. This child and I, we shared brief conversation about a few things that we thought we could feel. "Well, I don't mean to shatter your naiveté, darling, but you've so much yet to see, little girl..." And she shook her head and smiled like I was the one that was the child - she said, "Mister! Open up your eyes and I will show you the world!" I say, "People talk a whole lot about having a vice, well I've got three: insecurity, depression, and this growing anxiety..." She said, "Look, I don't mean to cut you off at the seams or one-up you or anything, but I drank way too much soda-pop as a child, and now I'm addicted to caffeine. Hehe. I mean, no, no, mister! I mean, you know that's not what I mean! I mean, at least you maintained your honesty!" "Little girl! You don't even know what I mean!" But the blind were born blind so that one day they could see, and unless you become as a child: unless you become like me, you're making excuses for yourself, Levi! You're holding onto reasons to stay angry!
So what did I used to write about in sixth grade when I sat against that fence and watched the world slip away? ...how me and my imaginary girl sat beneath that weeping willow tree and watched God's teardrops drip from the branches reaching out to me till we were anything but lonely... I love this rainy weather, it reminds me of being younger, back when I didn't worry... but I worry more than ever now, (and I can't stop pacing these hallways...)
And my biggest secret is that I don't have any secrets left, and I'd like at least one to hold onto so that I can still seem sexy and mysterious to you... I WANT TO BE EXCITED ABOUT CONCERTS AGAIN! I want to beg and scrape for the nickels and dimes and tell my parents that I'm gonna be fine; and no I'm not gonna jump in the pit... when everyone knows I'M GONNA JUMP IN THE PIT!!! (And no, mom, there is nothing violent about The Chariot.)
But next to the memory of my favorite swing set as a kid is a ghost of me, sitting next to me, wondering what he did. And as he lets the sand filter through his hands, it clumps in the puddle of tears he's sitting in, and we whisper in unison, "God I must've bummed you out again..."
I love this rainy weather, it reminds me of so many beautiful memories, and just like you said to me, "The times that I cry are the times that I feel the most. So if I find another secret to hide, you will never know. I want to feel like I can't maintain control and if I let it all out I'm gonna have to bear my soul... all I want is a hand to hold onto..." (no, no)
"ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO HEAL MY DAD'S BACK! WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO DO!" I HATE THIS RAINY WEATHER! (it reminds me of being a kid when I would trust without question) and aren't there so many questions? Why are there so many questions? GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
